From the time we’re small girls, we’re taught the script of acceptable femininity. Be nice. Don’t take up too much space. Smile even when you’re unhappy. Put everyone else’s needs before your own. Always be accommodating. Never be difficult. Make sure everyone around you is comfortable, even if it means sacrificing your own comfort.
By midlife, most women have spent decades perfecting this performance. We’ve become experts at reading rooms, managing emotions (ours and everyone else’s), smoothing over conflicts, and making sure everyone around us is comfortable – often at the expense of our own well-being.
This performance is exhausting because it requires constant vigilance. We monitor our tone of voice, our facial expressions, and our responses. We edit our thoughts before speaking, soften our opinions, and apologize for having needs. We’ve become so skilled at this performance that we often don’t even realize we’re doing it.
The Exhausting Performance of “Good Woman”
The transformation often begins with a single word: “No.”
Linda had been asked to organize yet another family gathering – the third one this year. As the designated family coordinator, she was expected to handle the planning, shopping, cooking, and cleanup while everyone else simply showed up. She opened her mouth to say her usual “Of course, I’d be happy to,” but something different came out instead.
“No,” she said quietly. “I won’t be organizing this one.”
The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening. Her sister-in-law stammered, “But… you always do it. You’re so good at it. We just assumed…”
“I know,” Linda replied, feeling both terrified and exhilarated. “But I’m not doing it this time.”
As she sat in my office the following week, Linda described the profound shift that single “no” had created. “I realized I’ve been saying yes to things I didn’t want to do for so long that I forgot I had a choice. I’ve been performing the role of the accommodating woman, the one who makes everything easy for everyone else, and I’m exhausted.”
Linda had reached what I call the “performance breaking point” – that moment in midlife when the exhaustion of maintaining the feminine ideal becomes unbearable. She was ready to discover what happens when a woman stops performing femininity and starts living authentically.
The Midlife Awakening
But something shifts in midlife. Maybe it’s hormonal changes that make us less concerned with others’ approval. Maybe it’s the accumulation of decades of self-suppression finally reaching a breaking point. Maybe it’s simply the wisdom that comes with lived experience. Whatever the catalyst, many women find themselves questioning the performance they’ve been giving their entire lives.
Many of us were raised to think saying “no” was a betrayal of something larger – of womanhood itself. But maturity reveals that obedience is not solidarity.
This questioning often begins with small rebellions. Saying no without elaborate explanations. Setting boundaries with family members who have grown accustomed to unlimited access to our time and energy. Speaking up when we disagree instead of staying silent to keep the peace.
Take Sarah, a friend who described her own awakening moment. For years, she had sat through work meetings where her ideas were dismissed or credited to male colleagues. She had perfected the art of nodding along, smiling politely, and staying quiet to avoid being labelled as “difficult” or “aggressive.”
“But during one particular meeting,” she told me, “I watched my idea get shot down, only to have a male colleague present the exact same concept not even ten minutes later to enthusiastic approval. Something inside me snapped. I spoke up and said, ‘That’s interesting, because that’s exactly what I suggested earlier.’ The room went quiet, but I didn’t apologize or back down. I just sat there, owning my words.”
These small acts of authenticity can feel revolutionary because they are. Each time we choose our truth over others’ comfort, we reclaim a piece of ourselves that we gave away in service of the feminine ideal.
What Happens When the Performance Stops
When women begin to release the performance of femininity, several profound shifts occur:
Energy Returns: The constant monitoring and editing required by the performance is energetically expensive. When we stop performing, that energy becomes available for other things – creativity, passion projects, deeper relationships, and personal growth. Women often report feeling more alive and vital than they have in years.
Authentic Relationships Emerge: When we stop performing, we discover who truly accepts us and who is only comfortable with our performance. Some relationships deepen as people appreciate our authenticity. Others may fade as people struggle with our new boundaries and honesty. This natural sorting creates space for more genuine connections.
Decision-Making Becomes Clearer: Without the constant need to consider how our choices will be perceived by others, decision-making becomes more straightforward. We can ask ourselves what we actually want rather than what we should want. Our choices begin to align with our values rather than others’ expectations.
Creative Expression Flourishes: Many women discover or rediscover creative passions when they stop performing. Without the need to be “good” at everything or to meet others’ standards, there’s freedom to explore, experiment, and create for the pure joy of it.
Physical Presence Changes: Women often report standing taller, taking up more space, and speaking with more authority. The physical contraction that comes with making ourselves smaller begins to release, and our natural presence emerges.
The Resistance You’ll Face
It’s important to understand that when you stop performing femininity, you will face resistance – both internal and external. Our culture is deeply invested in women’s performance of niceness, accommodation, and self-sacrifice. When you begin to prioritize your own needs, speak your truth, and set boundaries, some people will be uncomfortable.
You may be called selfish, difficult, or “changed.” You may face pushback from family members, colleagues, or friends who benefited from your previous performance. This resistance is actually a sign that you’re doing something right – you’re disrupting systems that relied on your self-suppression.
Internally, you may struggle with guilt, fear, or uncertainty. The performance of femininity often feels safer because it’s predictable and socially rewarded. Authenticity can feel risky because it’s unknown territory. This discomfort is normal and temporary – it’s the growing pains of becoming yourself.
The Freedom on the Other Side
What Linda and Sarah discovered, and what many women find when they stop performing femininity, is a profound sense of freedom. Not the absence of responsibility or care for others, but the freedom to choose how to express that care from a place of authenticity rather than obligation.
Linda began saying no to commitments that drained her and yes to activities that energized her. She started speaking up in her marriage about needs that had gone unmet for years. She discovered that when she stopped automatically saying yes to everything, people were actually more drawn to her, not less.
Sarah found her voice at work and began advocating for herself and her ideas. She stopped apologizing for taking up space and started claiming credit for her contributions. Her confidence grew, and so did her professional success.
“I feel like I’m meeting myself for the first time,” Linda told me months later. “I had no idea how much energy I was spending on the performance. Now that energy is mine to use however I choose.”
Your Permission Slip
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these stories, consider this your permission slip. You don’t have to perform femininity anymore. You don’t have to be nice at the expense of being honest. You don’t have to make yourself smaller so others feel bigger. You don’t have to apologize for taking up space in your own life.
The world needs women who have stopped performing and started living authentically. We need your real thoughts, your honest emotions, and your unfiltered presence. We need you to model what it looks like to be a woman who chooses herself without apology.
The performance has served its purpose – it kept you safe, helped you navigate systems that weren’t designed for your success, and taught you valuable skills. But you don’t need it anymore. You’re ready for what comes next: the radical act of being yourself.
Ready to reclaim the energy you’ve been spending on performance? Download my free guide “5 Lies Modern Women Are Told About Health at Midlife” to discover the cultural myths that keep you performing instead of living authentically. It’s time to stop being who you think you should be and start being who you actually are. .
